George Bernard Shaw
He who can does -- he who cannot, teaches.
[Edit note with due apologies to the teachers out there: This is not meant to be offensive. In fact, I think that G B Shaw himself was trying to be funny here. We love you teachers.]
Oscar Wilde
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
Jay Leno
[putting arms around Nigella Lawson] My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!
Jerry Seinfield
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Mel Brooks
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
George Bernard Shaw
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Friedrich Nietzsche
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.
Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
